1 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,040 All right, Pissface? 2 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:38,440 All right, Pusface? What's going on? 3 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,680 Um, hey, Dad. 4 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,480 Yes. 5 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,760 And the reason you're dressed as an astronaut? 6 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:49,080 What? You mean this coat? 7 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,400 Which you're wearing on your next mission to Jupiter? 8 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:52,680 Clever. 9 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,760 Dad, why are you looking at a tree? 10 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,840 - What? - Why are you looking at a tree? 11 00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,400 I'm not looking at a tree, I'm looking at a bag. 12 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:00,560 Huh? 13 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:01,800 See that plastic bag up there? 14 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:04,120 Dad wants to get it down. 15 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,280 Really? Why? 16 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:07,320 - Cos it's an eyesore. - And cos he's an idiot. 17 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:08,680 But it's not even our tree. 18 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,000 - It's not even outside our house. - That's what I said. 19 00:01:11,039 --> 00:01:13,360 That's not the point. It's in our sodding road... 20 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,200 BOTH: ...and you can see it for miles. 21 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:16,360 Miles? 22 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:17,760 BOTH: Yes, miles! 23 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:18,960 Stupid runt. 24 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,480 Hi, boys. 25 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:22,680 - Hi, Mum. - Mwah. Mwah. 26 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,960 Martin, please leave the tree alone now. 27 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:30,160 - It's not the tree, Jackie, it's the bag. - Yes, all right, the bag. 28 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,360 Just come in, will you? What are you wearing? 29 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,200 - Pillock's clothes. - Nice. 30 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,560 - Jonny's just joined NASA, so... - Pusface... 31 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,400 Well, are you coming or what? 32 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,120 (CLICKS FINGERS) Stick. 33 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,720 The stick, again? It doesn't even reach. 34 00:01:42,759 --> 00:01:44,320 Urgh! 35 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,320 Ready for this? 36 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,280 Yes, well, when you've grown another ten metres, Martin, do let us know. 37 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:55,360 Come on, boys. 38 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:56,680 Bleeding thing. 39 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,080 He's obsessed with that grotty bag. 40 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,320 Is he really? 41 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,960 - Don't worry, Jonny will get it down. - Will I? 42 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,200 Your coat doubles as a jetpack, doesn't it? 43 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:07,680 Ha-funny-ha. 44 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,039 What is it even made of? 45 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,160 Mum! 46 00:02:10,199 --> 00:02:12,960 It looks like the stuff I wrap the chicken in before I bung it in the oven. 47 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,080 Mum! 48 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:15,520 (SHOUTS) Martin! 49 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:16,640 BOYS: Argh! 50 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,520 Oh, maybe he can go and live in that tree. 51 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,320 Ooh, Mum. 52 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,160 - Hmm? - Guess what I've got! 53 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,880 - What is it? - Oh, yeah, I saw it. 54 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:28,880 - You saw it? - What is it? 55 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:30,920 You never told me you saw it. 56 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,320 What is it, you dick? 57 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,600 It's an interview thing I did for the local magazine. 58 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:35,680 Interview thing? 59 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,160 About his music. 60 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,960 - Did you...like it? - Why would anyone 61 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,760 interview Pusface about his awful, awful music? 62 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:45,320 - Thank you. - (LAUGHS) Oh, my God, it's Pusface! 63 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,440 - Mum, look at Pusface! - Yeah, I've seen Pusface, thank you. 64 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,079 Um, what's wrong? 65 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,280 - Nothing's wrong. - Something's wrong. 66 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,680 Oh, this is gold! 67 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,240 "Local lad and composer Adam Goodman..." 68 00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,000 - Composer? You mean crap jingle writer. - Thank you again. 69 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,080 "...has been sprinkling his musical magic..." What? 70 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:06,720 "...on some of the country's best-known radio commercials for the past ten years." 71 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,720 Ah, yes, like... 72 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,080 Jonny. 73 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,480 I thought you'd be excited. 74 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:14,440 - I am excited. - You don't seem excited. 75 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:17,280 - Don't I? - Pissing stick doesn't reach. 76 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:19,920 Martin! You nearly gave me a heart attack. 77 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,079 Ooh, only nearly? 78 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,320 Right. 79 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,000 Oh, Jackie! 80 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,760 Mum! Bye-bye, stick. 81 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:28,280 Here's a good one - "How do you relax?" 82 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:29,440 Yes, OK. 83 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,960 And Pusface says, "Headphones on, "chilled-out tracks, 84 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,079 - "and just vibe." - Just give it! 85 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,360 - Dad, you seen this? - What? 86 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,000 Oh, yeah. His mother's seen it too. 87 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:40,800 Sorry? 88 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:42,160 Oh, for Christ's sake. 89 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,560 What the hell's wrong?! 90 00:03:47,079 --> 00:03:50,400 "What is your earliest musical memory?" 91 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:53,640 Erm...yes? 92 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,200 "Going to see Oliver! The Musical 93 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,320 "with my Auntie Val when I was six." 94 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:00,840 And? 95 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,520 I took you to see Cats 96 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,840 when you were five! 97 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,440 Oh, my God! 98 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,200 Please say you're not being serious. 99 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,120 No mention of your mother anywhere. 100 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:15,440 You are being serious. I can't believe it. 101 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:18,560 You mention your father. Oh, yes. "My dad's so funny." 102 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:19,800 Incredible. You mention your brother. 103 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:22,320 - "My brother's hilarious." - He really is. 104 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:23,960 - You mention... - Auntie Val? 105 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,800 Oh, yes, you even mention Auntie Val, 106 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:28,240 but you can't mention your own mother. 107 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,200 And this is happening in real life, is it? 108 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:35,120 How could you not mention your own mother in a professional magazine interview? 109 00:04:35,159 --> 00:04:37,480 Argh! Dad, can you believe this?! 110 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,840 Well, maybe you could have said something nice about your mum, 111 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,680 even if it was a lie. 112 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,600 - Er, I heard that, thank you. - Right! 113 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:50,080 I'm so sorry I didn't talk all about you in my interview, but strangely enough 114 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,200 it wasn't about Adam Goodman's mother. 115 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:53,760 Well, you could have said something. Anything. 116 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,440 Oh, yeah? Like what? 117 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,400 Like, OK... 118 00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:58,800 "I love my mother." 119 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,760 I love my mother? 120 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,920 Yes, "I love my mother." What's so funny about that? 121 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,920 - Don't you love your mother? - Oh, just shut up! 122 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,320 Well, say it, then. 123 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:08,000 - What? Now? - Well, if you're not going to say it 124 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:09,720 in your interview, why can't you say it now? 125 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,400 Er, because this is insanity. 126 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:12,480 Insanity? 127 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:13,960 - Er, Mum? - What, Jonny? 128 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,000 I love you. 129 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,680 See? Your brother can say "I love you". 130 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,800 - Your father can say "I love you". - Hmm? 131 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:21,400 Martin, can you say "I love you", please? 132 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:22,480 Oh. I love you. 133 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:23,920 See? 134 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,680 But not as much as I love this yucky stuff. 135 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,640 Right. Clearly I mean that much to you. 136 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,640 - Yes, clearly. - Can you believe him, Mum? 137 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,840 - Shut up! - Well, if that's how you feel, 138 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,840 I don't know why you bothered to come here tonight. 139 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,000 You know what? Neither do I! 140 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,000 Unbelievable! 141 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,360 - (DOOR SLAMS) - Good! 142 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,440 - Er... - Mmm! 143 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,040 I didn't know Adam liked prawns. 144 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,120 Unbelievable. 145 00:05:53,159 --> 00:05:54,920 Unbelievable! 146 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:57,240 Ugh! 147 00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:59,000 Just vibing, are you? 148 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,320 Ha-funny-ha. 149 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,440 (JONNY LAUGHS) 150 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,400 - What do you want? - Nothing. 151 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:06,080 Just came to say I love you. 152 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:08,080 Very good. 153 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,520 - Getting ready for lift-off? - Also very good. 154 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,760 I mean, I literally have no memory of Cats. 155 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,640 Look, why don't you just go back in, tell Mum you love her 156 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:17,000 - and be done with it? - No way! 157 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:18,840 Why can't she just be happy for me? 158 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,920 When's she ever been in a bloody magazine? 159 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,360 Ah, yes, the bloody magazine. 160 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,600 "From where do you get your inspiration?" 161 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:27,160 Fantastic, it's online. 162 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,000 "Anything can inspire me, from the smell of rain on tarmac..." 163 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,120 - What? So, you sniff puddles? - Jonny... 164 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:35,000 "...to watching the children playing outside my bedroom window." 165 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,400 That does not sound great. 166 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,840 - Pissface! - (BANGING ON WINDOW) 167 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:40,000 Hello, boys. 168 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:41,800 Ugh, what does he want? 169 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:43,240 You all right, Jim? 170 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,720 Yes, fine, fine. 171 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,159 - (DOG WHINES) - Um... 172 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,440 ...can we help you? 173 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,040 What? Oh, yes. 174 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,080 Come on, Milson. 175 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,320 (GRUNTS) 176 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:55,640 Good girl, Milson. 177 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,720 - Good girl, Milson. - Great. Car ruined. 178 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,600 Is-Is your mother in? 179 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,560 - What? In the car? - Yes. 180 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:10,680 Um, she's not in the car at the moment, Jim. 181 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,320 She's actually in the house. 182 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,160 Oh, of course, yes, in the house. 183 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,520 Well, don't worry, I can ask her later. 184 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:18,600 You do that. 185 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,120 So...? 186 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,560 Where are we going again? 187 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,160 I'm sorry? 188 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,920 I've forgotten where we're supposed to be going. 189 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,480 - We're not going anywhere, Jim. - Aren't we? 190 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,960 Then why are we in the car? 191 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,640 - Get out immediately? - Yep. 192 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,840 Erm, are you getting out, Jim, or...? 193 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,159 Yes, soon. 194 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,280 - Soon? - Soon. 195 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:48,760 Fabulous. 196 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:50,880 Come on, then. 197 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,120 Good boy! Just say "I love you" and... 198 00:07:53,159 --> 00:07:55,280 - I'm not saying that! - (JONNY CHUCKLES) 199 00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:57,960 Hi, Bobble. 200 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,960 - Hi. - Um, I just wanted to say... 201 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:04,080 Oh, Jonny, please take that bloody spacesuit off. 202 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:05,160 Ugh! 203 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,760 I'm sorry about before, Adam. I went a bit mad. 204 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:09,600 A bit mad? 205 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,680 It's a lovely interview, really. 206 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:14,320 Can we be friends? 207 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,160 - And you're not going to make me say... - Of course not. 208 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,880 And anyway, I don't need you to say "I love you", 209 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,520 because I know you love me. 210 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,520 I know you love your mother. 211 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,240 Your mum. 212 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,760 Your mummy. 213 00:08:32,799 --> 00:08:34,520 - I'm not saying it! - Bloody hell. 214 00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:36,159 Right... 215 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:40,400 Martin, it's dinner now. Just leave the sodding bag! 216 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:43,799 Jackie, that sodding bag is about to become sodding history 217 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,360 thanks to this beauty. 218 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,360 What, the ladder that falls apart the second you open it? 219 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,840 - (CLATTERING) - Shit. 220 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,760 - Half a second, actually. - Inside. 221 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,440 Hello, Jackie. 222 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,880 Hi, Jim. 223 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:57,360 Everything OK? 224 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:01,000 Yes, Jackie. Erm, I just wanted to ask you a question. 225 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,400 - Yes? - Did you know that there's... 226 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:06,640 ...there's a bag in that tree? 227 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:09,920 (ADAM SIGHS) 228 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:13,280 There's got to be some way of getting that bugger down. 229 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,760 Martin, please come away from that window. 230 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,600 Or do you want me to put your face through it? 231 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,360 God knows how it ended up there. 232 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:21,320 Right. I'm going to cut my head off in the kitchen. 233 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,640 Yeah, it's a real mystery. 234 00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:26,360 Yes, how did a plastic bag end up in a tree? Ooh. 235 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,720 I don't know. Maybe the wind? 236 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,560 Perhaps a bird took it up there. 237 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,640 - Or the wind? - Like a gull or something. 238 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:33,720 Or just the wind? 239 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:35,960 Could have been children, you know, mucking about. 240 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,360 - Kids. - Mum, Dad doesn't know what wind is. 241 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,840 Really? He should do, he lets off enough of the stuff. 242 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,440 - Ha-ha! - Ugh, Mum! 243 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:46,040 - If I could just get up there somehow. - Table, please. 244 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:49,680 - Ooh, that's an idea. - Table! 245 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:53,800 Jackie, I suddenly need to go to the...toilet. 246 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,280 - Well, that's not suspicious. - You suddenly need to 247 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:57,040 go to the toilet or you suddenly need to go outside 248 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:58,560 to play with your stupid bag? 249 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:01,120 Um, toilet. For my...wees. 250 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,560 - Bag! - Absolutely bag. 251 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:03,720 Just sit. 252 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:04,880 (MARTIN SIGHS) 253 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,720 Ooh, I nearly forgot - 254 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,800 to Adam, for his amazing interview. 255 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,480 - Aww, thanks, Mum. - Yes. 256 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,880 It was amazing, wasn't it? "What's your favourite smell?" 257 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,320 Yes, OK. 258 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:18,200 Answer - "My girlfriend's hair." 259 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,360 And does your girlfriend know you're a murderer? 260 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,160 And does your girlfriend know you're a dickhead? 261 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,200 - Boys. - Oh, don't know. Let's find out. 262 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:28,080 - Jackie, my wees! - Martin, shut up. 263 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:31,200 Jonny, put your phone away, will you, please? 264 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,400 - Hey, Luce. - Jonny! 265 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:36,800 Yeah, all good, yeah. Just phoned to say I love you, that's all. 266 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,000 See ya, babe. 267 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:40,640 - You shit. - (JONNY CACKLES) 268 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:43,240 So, do you remember when I took you to see Cats, then? 269 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,720 What? Oh, um, not really. 270 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,400 What do you mean, "Not really"? It was Cats! 271 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,400 - Yeah, Adam, it was Cats. - Please. 272 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,080 - What was Cats about again? - Horses. 273 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,320 How can you not remember? 274 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,600 Er, cos I was six. 275 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:58,240 Er, no, Adam, you were five. 276 00:10:58,280 --> 00:10:59,760 - All right, five! - Yeah, 277 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,520 cos you were six when you saw Oliver! with Auntie Val, which you do remember... 278 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:04,160 - Pissface. - ...but five when you saw Cats 279 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:07,320 - with Mum, which you don't remember. - Exactly. 280 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:08,760 Urgh! 281 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,280 - You shit. - I thank you. 282 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,200 I need wees. I'm doing wees. 283 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,280 I can't believe you remember seeing a show with Auntie Val, 284 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:17,800 but not with your own mother. 285 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,880 Well, that's because I love Auntie Val and I don't love you. Happy now? 286 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,200 Horrible. 287 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:23,560 So horrible! 288 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,520 You're not jealous of Auntie Val, are you? 289 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,320 What? Course I'm not jealous of Auntie Val. 290 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,440 Yes, you are. 291 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,760 Rubbish! Why would I be jealous of Auntie Val? 292 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,200 You know, it's just three words. 293 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,200 Three little words. 294 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,680 - I told you, I'm not saying it. - Saying what? 295 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:44,720 I love... (GROANS) 296 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:45,800 Very clever. 297 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:47,280 (PHONE RINGS) 298 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,480 And yes, well done, that's Lucy now, calling you back to say "I love you". 299 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,240 - Very good. You win. - It's not Lucy, it's Dad. 300 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,360 - Dad? - Dad? 301 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,040 - You what? - What? 302 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,120 He wasn't doing wees. 303 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,400 (MARTIN GROANS) 304 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:08,960 Well, well. Congratulations, Martin. 305 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,840 Oh, my bleeding back! 306 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:14,160 Let me guess. You tried to make a ladder by putting one dustbin 307 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,720 on top of another dustbin, 308 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,280 then climbed up the dustbins 309 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,760 and fell off the dustbins? 310 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,280 Oh, shut up! 311 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,760 And here's your dinner. 312 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:24,600 J... Oh, Jackie! 313 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,920 And just so you know, I do not want another word out of you 314 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,720 about that bloody bag, do you hear me? 315 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,080 Yeah, I think so, but I think there might be some... 316 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,840 ...pie in my ear? 317 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:36,200 - Ugh. Come on, boys. - (CAR HORN BEEPS) 318 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:40,160 Oh, look! It's Auntie Val. 319 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,720 Woohoo! Fame at last! 320 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,920 - Auntie Val's a celebrity. - Auntie! 321 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:49,120 Aww, my little Adam! Aww. 322 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,240 Mwah! 323 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,360 You remembered Oliver! 324 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,800 Of course I remembered Oliver! 325 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,320 Oh, God, what's happened to Martin? 326 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,000 Pie is in my ear. 327 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:01,880 - Huh? - Ignore him, Val. 328 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:03,240 Come inside. 329 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,440 Well, good work, Dad. 330 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:07,920 Yes, sheer perfection. 331 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,120 Gits. 332 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:10,520 (ADAM AND JONNY LAUGH) 333 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:12,400 - Ooh, look. - What? 334 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,360 There's a plastic bag in that tree. 335 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,720 (JACKIE SIGHS) 336 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:18,280 Ah, my bloody back. 337 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,360 God, I wish I didn't have a body. 338 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,160 Er, I'm sure it can be arranged. 339 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,400 I can arrange it. 340 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,560 Argh! Argh. 341 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,680 - So sorry. - Yes, so sorry. 342 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:28,920 Right! Wine. 343 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,000 See you, then. Die well. 344 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,040 Wait, you prannies. 345 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,560 Now, listen. 346 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,200 In my shed is a rake. 347 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:40,320 If you attach the rake to the broom, then that should be long enough to... 348 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,880 Repeatedly whack you in the face with it? 349 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,200 Idiot. 350 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,680 No - we can fashion a device, get the bag down. 351 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,200 "Fashion a device"? 352 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,760 Dad, we don't care about your stupid bag. 353 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,320 Yeah! It's a bag! 354 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:52,480 I know it's a bag! 355 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:53,880 But it's in a tree! 356 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:58,000 It's a bag in a tree! 357 00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:59,640 Very heavy sedation? 358 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,600 Boys, just leave him, will you? 359 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:02,880 - Goodbye... - Forever! 360 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,520 Oh. We mustn't forget to turn off the lights. 361 00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:06,680 Jackie? 362 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,480 - Night-night, Martin. - But, Jackie... 363 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,840 - SHOUTS: Jackie! - Shame we can't turn off his oxygen. 364 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,680 - Ha! - Boys, is your mum all right tonight? 365 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,960 Oh, she's fine. Isn't she, Jonny? 366 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,280 Oh, fine. 367 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:23,240 Sorry again, love, for dropping round like this. 368 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,160 It's just, it's not every day you see your own name in print. 369 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,880 Er, no, it's not. 370 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:28,960 I got such a shock. 371 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,040 But a nice shock. Oh, I love him! 372 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:35,440 - I love him! - And I love you too, Auntie. 373 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:36,760 I really do. 374 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,160 Aww. And I was just telling your mum how proud 375 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,400 she must be to see you in that magazine. 376 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,640 - Oh, she's very proud. - Immensely proud. 377 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,840 And I think it's amazing you remember 378 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,160 seeing Oliver! with me all those years ago, Adam. 379 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,000 Yes, that is amazing, isn't it? 380 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,160 You were only six! 381 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:54,600 Only six. 382 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,000 Although, come to think of it, 383 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:58,920 didn't your mum take you to see Cats when you were five? 384 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,960 Well, Adam? 385 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:04,560 Do you know? I really can't remember. 386 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,120 - Oh, my God! - ADAM: Must dash. 387 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,680 Love you, Auntie. Goodbye. 388 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,880 OK. How insane is Mum tonight? 389 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,480 Oh, definitely new world record. 390 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:15,520 - Check he's still breathing? - Go on. 391 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,040 Dad? 392 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,280 Of course. The rake. 393 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,160 (SCRAPING) 394 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:30,240 - And there she is. - Yup. 395 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,120 - Oi! - Ready? 396 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,200 - Argh! - (SMASHING AND CLATTERING) 397 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:39,640 - All right, Dad? - Hello! 398 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,200 - Little turds! - What are you doing on the floor? 399 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,280 Yes, why are you on the floor, Father? 400 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,040 - Well, help me up, then, will you? - Certainly. 401 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,720 - (JONNY AND ADAM STRAIN) - And here we go. 402 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,600 - (MARTIN GROANS) - (THUMP) 403 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,320 Buggers. 404 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:55,080 - I thought you couldn't walk? - What? 405 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,520 I thought you couldn't walk? 406 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:57,600 - I can't walk. - Well, how did you get 407 00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:59,280 all the way from the living room to the shed? 408 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:01,120 - I crawled. - BOTH: Crawled?! 409 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,080 Yeah. 410 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:06,320 Now, look, I've made the rake-broom device thingy. 411 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,520 - The "rake-broom device thingy". - Yeah. 412 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:11,000 We'll take it round the front, get the bag out the tree. 413 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,680 - Er, no, we won't. - No, sir. 414 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,400 Oh, God. Why won't anyone bleeding help me tonight? 415 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,800 Cos it's an effing bag in an effing tree. 416 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:19,760 And it's an effing eyesore. 417 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,280 Wait! Maybe we could help him a little. 418 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:24,120 - Really? - Thank you! 419 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:25,280 That way we'll get to see him, 420 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:26,800 - you know... - What? 421 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,840 Crawl! 422 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:34,440 - That's it, keep going. - Get off! 423 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,080 - Faster! Faster! - Stop it, you shits. 424 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:38,640 Oh! 425 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,520 Crap, I've just put my hand in that bloody pie. 426 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,280 OK, then, here we go. 427 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,000 Uh-uh. I'm doing it, thank you. 428 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,880 You're doing it? You can't even stand up. 429 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,040 I'm doing it all right. 430 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:51,960 It's my bag to get. 431 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,040 - It's mine. - All right. 432 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,840 (GROANS) 433 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,200 - (GRUNTS) - Behold! 434 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:04,599 Our Lord has risen. 435 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,839 - You cretin. - Careful! 436 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,079 You think you can get away from me, do you? 437 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:14,920 He said, to a plastic bag! 438 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,880 Easy does it. 439 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:20,160 Easy does it. Eh? 440 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,480 You didn't reckon with me, did you? 441 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:27,160 Argh! The pie! 442 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:28,040 - (METAL CLANGS) - Oh, no! 443 00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:29,160 - (GLASS SMASHES) - Aah! 444 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,600 Shit on it! 445 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,640 Oh, my God. Look at my car! 446 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,600 Look at my car! 447 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,800 - (JONNY LAUGHS) - Jonny, you dick. 448 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:38,360 Sorry, but that is classic. 449 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,280 You bloody idiot. Look what you've done! 450 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,680 - Um, oops? - Oops? Oops? 451 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,720 - What is going on? - Look what he's done! 452 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,560 My whole window smashed to pieces. 453 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,800 Is that a rake? 454 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,160 - Erm, a "rake-broom device thingy." - Huh? 455 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,800 I didn't mean to, Jackie. It was the pie. 456 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,120 Can you believe him? Look at my car! 457 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,160 Look at it! 458 00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:00,200 Right. You, Martin, are staying outside all night. 459 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,000 - Outside? - With no crumble. 460 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,200 No crumble?! 461 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:04,680 And you, Adam... 462 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,320 Well, serves you right. 463 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:08,920 - Sorry? - VAL: Yeah. 464 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,920 I've been talking to your mum, and it does serve you right. 465 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,240 - Oh, this is good. - Serves me right? 466 00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:17,720 Serves me right? 467 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,520 - Ignore him, Val. - I will, Jackie. 468 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,240 Don't you worry, I'll deal with it. 469 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,680 Deal with what? With what? What? 470 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:27,680 You mention your father, you mention your brother, 471 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,320 you even mention me, but do you mention your own mother? 472 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:31,360 Oh, my God! 473 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,480 - Please let me film this. - Pissface! 474 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:36,720 I've told you, love, he doesn't care. He does not care! 475 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,720 - He really doesn't. - Jonny! 476 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,520 Pusface! 477 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,800 So that's it, is it? I've now got two mothers? 478 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:47,320 Two deranged, psychopath mothers? 479 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,080 - Hey! - Do you know what's even worse? 480 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:51,880 You can't even tell your mother you love her. 481 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,440 Oh, my God. Somebody shoot me right now. 482 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,600 Why can't you tell your wonderful mother you love her? 483 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,040 Jonny, please take me away in your rocket. 484 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,440 - Oh, shut up, Adam. - I tell you, if my Spencer 485 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,680 doesn't say he loves me at least once a day, you know what I do? 486 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,880 Er, let me guess. You smack his bottom. 487 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,560 - (JONNY LAUGHS) - Yes, I smack his bottom. 488 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,000 - Really? - Yes! 489 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,840 I smack his bottom again and again until he says, 490 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:14,920 "I love you, Mum." 491 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,560 - Well, that's certainly normal. - Auntie, 492 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,040 I think you should smack Adam's bottom. 493 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:19,520 Oh, I'll smack his bottom, all right. 494 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,960 Ow! Get off! 495 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,040 - Get off. - No, go on, Val. 496 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,720 - Yes, go on, Auntie. - Say it! 497 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:28,960 - Say it, then. - Say what? 498 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,240 - Say you love your mother! - Well, go on, Adam. 499 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,680 - Say it! - Oh, my God. 500 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,480 Insanity! 501 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,880 - Insanity! - That's it, run away. Go on. 502 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,560 That was amazing. 503 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:44,160 - (WHACK) - Oi! 504 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,040 (SNORING) 505 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:50,880 Well, this is fun. 506 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,480 - Hmm? - Sitting in a freezing car 507 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,880 with a bloody snoring machine. 508 00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:01,240 Terrific. Here comes Crazy Mother Number Two. 509 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,120 Tell her you love her! 510 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:06,840 Yes. 511 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:08,560 Don't crash on the way home. 512 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,160 (MARTIN LAUGHS) 513 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,920 So, what are you going to do about your stupid bag, then? 514 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,720 What? Oh, that. That's all sorted. 515 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:19,200 Sorted? But...it's still up there. 516 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,760 Yeah, but don't worry. There's a plan. 517 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,720 - Plan? - Hello, all. 518 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,760 - Jim. - Erm, I was just passing, 519 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:32,000 and wondering how you're getting on with the bag in the tree. 520 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:33,680 Um, there's a plan, Jim. 521 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:34,800 There's a plan. 522 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:37,520 A plan? Come on, Milson. 523 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:39,640 Car ruined. 524 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,440 I've been racking my brain trying to work out 525 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:46,920 how that bag got up there in the first place. 526 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,960 Well, yes, Jim, it is a bit of a mystery. 527 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,920 - The wind! - Ooh! 528 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,160 It fell from a helicopter? 529 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,080 - (SIGHS DEEPLY) - (BEEPING) 530 00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:59,480 Erm, what's that thing? 531 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,240 That thing's the plan. 532 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:06,480 Gotcha. 533 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:07,600 Bingo! 534 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:08,760 Mazel tov. 535 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:13,040 - £300 for a plastic bag? - Yeah. 536 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:15,440 300 lovely pounds. 537 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:18,000 - You're an idiot, Martin. You know that? - Yup. 538 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:21,600 I know I've slagged off your ridiculous spacesuit all night, but... 539 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,720 You're freezing your bollocks off, and now you want to wear it? 540 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,080 Mm, sort of. 541 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,680 - Go on, Pusface. - Oh, thanks. 542 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:31,000 Boys! 543 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,240 Erm, what do you want me to do with it? 544 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,640 I'll have that, thank you. 545 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:41,440 That's right, Mr Bag. 546 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,720 I win. You lose. Ho-ho! 547 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,960 Done. Right. 548 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,920 If anyone wants me, I'll be having my crumble. 549 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,320 Yeah! 550 00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:53,840 Well, at least someone's happy. 551 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,320 Hold on a minute. 552 00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:58,440 Jonny? 553 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,000 Er, mate? You wouldn't mind putting this back up there, would you? 554 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,520 - You want me to put it back up there? - Yeah. 555 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:04,840 BOTH: Yeah. 556 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:07,440 (JONNY GIGGLES) 557 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,120 I'll keep watch on Crazy Bag Man. 558 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:14,240 Actually... 559 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:15,960 - (ENGINE STOPS) - ...would you mind 560 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,720 not putting it back up there? 561 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,600 - Not putting it back up there? - Not putting it back up there? 562 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,560 Yeah. 563 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,640 - Crimble crumble. - Crimble crumble. 564 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,520 (PHONE RINGS) 565 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:32,640 Pusface? 566 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,400 Amazing. OK, coming. 567 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,560 Erm, Dad? 568 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:40,920 What? 569 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,120 Oh, my bloody, bollocking back. 570 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:46,080 Honestly, Dad, it's worth it, I swear. 571 00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:47,760 Look! 572 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:50,520 Oh, my God. What have you done?! 573 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:51,920 Hmm? 574 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,920 You bastards! My coat! 575 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,880 My lovely coat! 576 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:57,520 Wait! 577 00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,400 Come back! Come back! 578 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:00,960 Come back! 579 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,680 - Mum? - What? 580 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,160 I love you.